January 11th: "My mom died last night."

Jan. 11th, 1986 (Age 7, Evansburg, New Hampshire)

Dear diary, my best friend last year in 1st grade was Cherry Marshall.  I even named my eraser after her because she has the same one.

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Friday, January 11th, 1991 (Age 12, Evansburg)

Hi!  One of my friends likes a 9th grader, Pat MacIntyre. He’s ugly! He has long, straight black hair and a mustache. I don’t know what she sees in him, and neither does she. But she says he’s nice. He plays the trombone in band. The only person I still like is James Jamison, and I don’t like him that much.

     There's this other 9th grader who looks like Elvis Presley. His birthday was yesterday, and so was Elvis’. Strange, isn’t it. Reincarnation maybe?

     Tiff is getting a perm tomorrow. Actually, she’s getting a body wave.  Bye!!!

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Saturday, January 11th, 1992 (Age 13, Evansburg)

We went to the mall today. I had $4.50, but I didn’t buy anything. I wanted to buy a Disney mug but they were $6.00.

     I still haven’t gotten a 1992 calendar yet, but I know which one I want. It’s a Far Side one by Gary Larson called “Weiner Dog Art.”

     At the mall I was tempted to buy a book by Shakespeare (especially since they were only $1.00), but I decided against it because I have so many unread books at my house. My mother did buy me some dark blue Forenza jeans that were on sale.

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Monday, January 11th, 1993 (Age 14, Evansburg)

I’ve been slaving over homework all night. It’s 9:07. I can’t decide whether to stay up or not.

     News flash! I just looked over and Monty the Fish is dead! He was fine just a few hours ago! This is really weird. How come Michael has survived? I wonder if somehow my fantasy love for his namesake, Michael Stipe from R.E.M., is keeping him alive? I know it sounds strange, but that’s how my mind works. I just remembered: every night I say the name Michael in my prayers, meaning Michael Stipe, but I wonder if there’s a connection?

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Tuesday, January 11th, 1994 (Age 15, Nagasaki, Japan)

I had another dream last night. It was short, but still too long for my liking. We were back in America. My dad was about to buy a rundown car from a shifty used car salesman. I finally persuaded him it was a lemon. Then my family was walking down the street and my parents started yelling at each other. Other people were staring. My dad pulled back his hand to hit my mom (something he would never do, by the way). I was up on stilts made of Dixie Cups, and I was trying to get them to stop by throwing cups at their hands. My dad got mad at me and knocked me off my Dixie Cup stilts. I yelled, “I don’t deserve this!” and then I jumped down a stairwell. And it’s true, I don’t deserve having to hear them yell constantly.

     I bought another watch today. This one is black and brass, with the Japanese kanji for animals instead of numbers.

     I got a letter in the mail from Sonia. She said she sent me a tape for Christmas, but I haven’t gotten it yet. I hope it didn’t get lost in the mail.

     At the arcade I saw a blonde foreign boy in a high school uniform talking to some Japanese boys. I wish I could meet him; I need a friend.

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Wednesday, January 11th, 1995 (Age 16, Kobe, Japan)

I met Sei at McDonald’s again today. Unfortunately, we weren’t in there ten minutes when Amy Anderson and her crew came and sat at the table next to us. Then Sei and I couldn’t talk privately.

     Amy bugs me because I try to be nice to her but she just ignores me. I always say hello and goodbye to her, but she always goes straight to Sei and kisses him. It’s not like I want to be friends with her, but I try to be polite. I think she’s trying to make me feel inferior, but she’s just making herself look bad. Those people have no tact. They were smoking and drinking beer and Jim Beam right in the middle of McDonald’s where any teacher could see them. I hate to be associated with them.

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Thursday, January 11th, 1996 (Age 17, Kobe)

I’m feeling a bit queasy, so I’m looking forward to going to bed early. Right now I’m just waiting for Sei to call. He’s going to get his hair cut tomorrow. I insist on going with him.

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Saturday, January 11th, 1997 (Age 18, Exton, New Brunswick)

For the first time, I’ve missed days writing. I have a good reason. My mom died at 10:30 last night. A few days ago my dad called to say she had been moved to the hospital, and they were going to do the surgery to remove all the fluid from her chest and seal the area. Then Friday night I was out playing pool with Sei, Andrew and Fiona when he called again. He said the doctors had discovered that she had more than one tumor in her brain which were pressing down on the area that allows you to breathe. She couldn’t speak anymore, but she could hear, but her mind was not all there. Dad told me we could hope for one or two more weeks, and that she’d come home and have a nurse. He was going to buy me a ticket so I could come home. I managed to keep face at the bar for another hour, and then went back to Sei's apartment. I only cried a little bit because I had cried so much the night before. I fell asleep for a while, but around 1:30 I woke up because I could feel hands prodding me and voices saying quietly, “She’s coming. She’s coming soon.” I said some things to God, I said goodnight to Mommy, and then I felt a hand brush my hair and the voice said, “It’s okay, Pebbles, it’s okay. You can sleep again now.” I fell asleep, and at 3:00 Dad called to tell me she was dead. He said that it had been very quiet. He had been busy calling people, and hadn’t had a chance to cry yet. Sei and I cried together.

Everyone is coming in a few days. The funeral will be in Millborough on Tuesday. Dad called this morning to ask if I knew what she should be buried in, but I didn’t know. He said that he had tried to eat breakfast this morning and ended up just sobbing in his cereal.

I’ve been crying off and on, but I’m not very sad. I feel like I’m being cold, but today Sei and I went out and did a little shopping for his apartment. All those times my mom made me cry because I thought she was dead, and now she is and I’m not even sad. I just miss her. Maybe I’m in denial, but I don’t think I am. I know she’s dead. But death isn’t supposed to be like this. I’m supposed to feel empty.

Sei hasn’t left my side for the past two days. I couldn’t be so strong if it weren’t for him. If I hadn’t met him I probably couldn’t go on living now. His mother’s mother died when she was eighteen too, so she understands, I think. He’s what keeps me going. I hope my brother and father are okay. It’ll be worse maybe when I see them, because then we’ll have to face each other minus one.

I never got to tell her I loved her, not in my entire life, but now I feel that she knew. At least she made me kiss her before I left on the airplane. Maybe she knew we’d never see each other again. I wonder if she chose to die so quickly so that I wouldn’t have to miss any school. That would be like her. I wonder if she’ll ever come talk to me like some of the other people do? She’s probably too busy right now talking to people she hasn’t seen in a long time to think of me. I know she’s gone to heaven because that’s where she thought she’d go. I hope she’s not spying on me, though, because I do many bad things.

     I haven’t told anyone yet because I’m afraid I’ll break down. Sei called and told Fiona, and she’s going to tell everybody.

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Sunday, January 11th, 1998 (Age 19, Exton)

We went to see Titanic. It was good, but not nearly as good as Braveheart. For some reason it made me think of the earthquake.

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Monday, January 11th, 1999 (Age 20, Exton)

He’s done it again. I don’t know what kind of game he’s trying to play. He’s supposed to be staying all night in New York, but he would have arrived four hours ago and he hasn’t called. He could have called during his layover in Detroit too, but he didn’t. Maybe he was telling the truth when he said he cancelled his ticket. I’ve spent the whole day cooking and cleaning in preparation for his arrival, and he doesn’t even care enough about me to pick up the phone. I’m living the cliché.

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Tuesday, January 11th, 2000 (Age 21, Exton)

I was looking through a new bridal magazine, and I decided that I want to skip the whole church thing and just have a great reception. Then I can get on with the arrangements.
     I brought Juno back home from the vet and he was cheerful.

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Thursday, January 11th, 2001 (Age 22, Kobe)

I can’t believe it’s been four years since my mother died. I’ve hardly changed at all since then, except my location. I find myself missing Exton and Dublin. And I really miss Millborough. I still think I would be happiest on a small farm.

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Friday, January 11th, 2002 (Age 23, Kobe)

I had that interview for the international preschool. I was interviewed by a panel of four Japanese men and one foreign woman, but only the woman asked the questions. She asked some I hadn’t expected, like what would I do in the case of a shy student, and I couldn’t answer well. I also don’t have any experience teaching children, so I don’t think I’ll get the job. Of all things, the woman was from Exton and knew half the places on my references list! I don’t think that’ll help me, though.

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Saturday, January 11th, 2003 (Age 24, Kobe)

I stayed in today. I was so depressed last night, and it made me tired today.

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Sunday, January 11th, 2004 (Age 25, Kobe)

I sewed up one side and the sleeve of the sweater I'm knitting and tried it on. It fit! What a disappointment it would be if it didn’t, after all that work. The sleeves are a bit tight but it’s alright. I bought orange yarn for my next one, then after that Sei wants one.

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Tuesday, January 11th, 2005 (Age 26, Kobe)

I had a migraine and was nauseous all day, but I managed to get through three piano lessons without throwing up on my students.

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Wednesday, January 11th, 2006 (Age 27, Kobe)

Sei drank too much at home last night and he started terrorizing me and especially Penn. I don’t know why he thinks he needs to prove who’s boss to an already timid dog. I knew I was going to have four lessons today and that I should go to bed early, but he wouldn’t let me and sure enough I had a headache and was throwing up blood all day. He wanted to stay in bed himself but I told him to get out because it wasn’t fair that he made me sick and I had to work while he could go back to sleep. I made it through my lessons with lots of trips to the bathroom and luckily my last student cancelled again (thought it’s not so lucky money-wise).

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Thursday, January 11th, 2007 (Age 28, Kobe)

I went into the city after work and wandered around for five hours. I splurged a little on my credit card since I should be able to afford it next month when my London trip is paid off. I bought Yuji a present for his birthday on the 29th – a snakeskin cell phone strap. It was 10,000 yen but I think it’s small and neutral enough not to scare him off. He did buy me that leather wrist band back in November and I’m sure he spent over a thousand dollars on me during my trip to London.

     For myself I got two wine glasses, two beer glasses, a container for soy sauce, and a new bag for work.

Disclaimer: This blog is a work of non-fiction. Most personal names (except for those of celebrities) and place names have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals.