January 12th: "There's no spark."

Jan. 12th, 1986 (Age 7, Evansburg, New Hampshire)

Dear diary, I have a Sweet Secret doll. She has a ruby on the front of her. Her name is Shine. I got Shine when we first moved here for five days.

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Sunday, January 12th, 1992 (Age 13, Evansburg)

I hate my parents. All they ever do is yell and scream at each other about stupid little things.

     I’ve always known (since I was four, I think) that I would die when I’m thirty-one.

     The Ghost is getting frantic. I don’t think he wants me to write this. I don’t know how I’m going to die, I just know what age I’ll be. I want to be an actress, but I hate to think of people who’ll like me, maybe even love me, getting hurt when I die so early. I also want to get married and have kids, but I wouldn’t want to let them down like that.

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Tuesday, January 12th, 1993 (Age 14, Evanston)

I’m really sick. If I move I’ll probably throw up. I already did once tonight. There’s no school tomorrow, but I probably would have been absent anyway.

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Wednesday, January 12th, 1994 (Age 15, Nagasaki, Japan)

Last night I dreamed that we were having a party. My brother threw a firecracker at the ground and the house caught on fire. Soon the whole hill was ablaze. Then we were at our house in New Hampshire. A woman and a man were trying to rob us at gunpoint, but they didn’t really know what they were doing. Someone called the police, and a whole firing squad came. They said they would shoot when they saw the robbers. I didn’t want the police to kill them, so I ran out the front door onto the porch to stop them. One of the robbers, a Japanese man, ran out behind me. When he saw all the police he panicked and looked at me for help. I told him to run behind the hedge and I ran beside him to block him from the police. When we were behind the hedges I grabbed his shoulders and said, “Go hide in the shed!” He said, “No, if you help me they’ll kill you, too. I have to escape.” Then he ran off toward the railroad tracks and I woke up.

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Thursday, January 12th, 1995 (Age 16, Kobe, Japan)

Jess is going to Tokyo with the cheerleaders tomorrow until Sunday for a tournament. I’m going to Sei's house tomorrow and then we’re going to the reggae bar.

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Friday, January 12th, 1996 (Age 17, Kobe)

I went with Sei to get his hair cut this afternoon. It’s just a little shorter, not too short. It looks good, but when he first got out of there it looked a bit like a girl’s style. I’m sure it’ll look better after he styles it himself.

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Sunday, January 12th, 1997 (Age 18, Exton, New Brunswick)

My brother and father are in Exton now. I didn’t even know they were coming today. It’s already almost midnight, so I’m going to stay in my room tonight and meet them after classes tomorrow. My dad sounded fine this time, more stable. I’m better today, too. I barely cried at all. Don’t we weep longer than this?

     My dorm roommate and I switched rooms, so now I have the inner smaller room. It’s more private because people don't have to walk through my room anymore to get to hers, and it’s also cozier. I found a note from her on my desk tonight offering her condolences and saying her mother died a year and a half ago, if I ever wanted to talk.

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Monday, January 12th, 1998 (Age 19, Exton)

The most beautiful girl was in my medieval history class today. She had long white-blonde hair in a ponytail, and skin a couple of shades darker. But she walked out halfway through the class, so I figure her personality is probably not much better than Fiona’s.

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Tuesday, January 12th, 1999 (Age 20, Exton)

Sei called soon after I wrote last night, and now he’s back in Exton with me. But somehow things are different. There’s no spark. I don’t know if it’s because we’ve gotten so used to each other after four years, or what?

     I got a surprise today when my old boss from the antique jewelry shop called me! It’s a good thing, because I needed her new phone number for my job references.

     Back to Sei. His hair is longer and looks nice. He’s lost some weight, but not around his face. His family all had presents for me, including two watches, one from his father and a really cute one from his brother.

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Wednesday, January 12th, 2000 (Age 21, Exton)

Yuko is back from Montreal, but I can’t meet her until Sunday because I start work tomorrow. I have so much stuff to give her from Japan. I’m already behind on my homework but I’ll catch up tonight.

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Friday, January 12th, 2001 (Age 22, Kobe)

It’s the weekend at last, and I am going to take a holiday, dammit! There are so many things that need doing but never get done because Sei’s too tired or his mother has a job for me. I have to go into the city to look for hair dye. Juno never got his shots last month. I haven’t practiced the violin for a month because a string is broken. And I want to type up my maternal genealogy chart to send to my aunt.

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Saturday, January 12th, 2002 (Age 23, Kobe)

I finished the teddy bear prototype that I started sewing the day before yesterday, but I’m not satisfied with it yet. I know which points I want to change. I want the head to be at more of a forward angle, the nose wider, and the hair longer on his head. His arms could be a little shorter, too.

     Sei and I had a date after his classes. First we went to the new bar across from our apartment, but it was expensive so we only had one drink. Then we went to a Japanese-style bar downstairs from our friends' apartment. I didn’t think too much of it, and the owner wasn’t very friendly.

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Sunday, January 12th, 2003 (Age 24, Kobe)

I stayed in again. Mandy called in the afternoon, which is funny because I had planned to call her. I tried making myself some fleece pajama bottoms like the ones I made for Sei last year, but the engine of my sewing machine is worn out and I couldn’t finish.

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Monday, January 12th, 2004 (Age 25, Kobe)

We went to look at one of the Minis that I found in the car catalog. I think I’m in love! It’s a 2000 Rover Mini 40th Anniversary Limited Edition in red with white racing stripes on the hood and a white top, with black leather interior. We both prefer the look of the older Minis over the new ones, and this is better equipped than most older models because it has an airbag, CD player, and automatic transmission which I need. We didn’t get to test drive because Sei forgot his license, but we’re going again next Monday. The problems we saw were with the steering wheel and the brake pedal. It hasn’t got power steering and the wheel turns hard. The brake pedal is much higher and further forward than the gas, so you wouldn’t be able to brake quickly in an emergency. That could be fixed cheaply, but not the wheel. Ohhh, I wish we could get it though! Sei says he won’t even consider buying anything until he passes his acupuncture license test in March. I doubt this car will still be there, and I’ll have to start searching all over again.

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Wednesday, January 12th, 2005 (Age 26, Kobe)

The woman I met at the dog café last Friday, whose name is Keiko Watanabe, came over today to talk about enrolling her daughter in my piano lessons. She’s planning to but she says her daughter doesn’t really want to come and that it takes her a long time to adjust to new situations. Oh boy. Wonder what’s going to happen with this one?

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Thursday, January 12th, 2006 (Age 27, Kobe)

Sei is on the third day of his drinking binge. He’s going through a whole liter of shochu per night. I can’t get any sleep and Penn is terrified. For once I wish he would take his drunken, noisy, vomiting self to some bar so I wouldn’t have to put up with him.

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Friday, January 12th, 2007 (Age 28, Kobe)

My Aunt Leah died this morning. I got the email from my dad during my break at work, and people were in the room so I couldn’t react. I’ve only cried for less than a minute but I am sad. She wasn’t sick that I know of but Dad didn’t give any details. I feel so bad for him losing his sister. I mailed Kai about it and he had plans for tonight that he couldn’t cancel, but he drove over to give me a hug and see if I was okay. So nice of him.

Disclaimer: This blog is a work of non-fiction. Most personal names (except for those of celebrities) and place names have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals.